It’s not unusual to come to a point in a relationship when on person is eager for change and growth and maybe some risk taking and one’s partner is either happy with the status quo or not growing at the same rate.

I’ve seen this a lot lately. Maybe it’s because I’m in midlife and so many midlife women I meet are at a major transition point in their lives: their kids are growing up, they’ve gone from being a homemaker to developing a multilevel marketing business or they’re transitioning from being a corporate employee to being an entrepreneur.

Midlife Changes Can Change a Relationship Dynamic

Midlife spurs many of us to take a look at the professional growth, and emotional and spiritual changes we’ve been wanting to make. For some women and men, finally getting out our our own way to live their higher potential is a compelling desire!

Regardless of the impetus, this need to change, grow or transform can put stress on a relationship. So mindful awareness of all the factors involved is key to a successful transition.

One woman I spoke with got teary eyed, talking about all the wonderful new experiences that she is inviting into her life. She perceives that her husband is not interested in making the same level of changes. This worries her and makes her sad.

Sometimes, we can imagine that there is more discord or potential for discord than there actually is. In this case, I recommended that she take a wait and see approach before creating a well of emotions that aren’t based on fact.

It is nearly impossible for one partner to make major changes in attitude, appearance, career or lifestyle, without energetically bringing along one’s partner. You partner’s changes might be much more subtle. It may take more time to see a life change, but if there aren’t other reasons for, or signs of, disharmony in the relationship, than changes (a new creative endeavor, a new goal, emotional growth progress) usually take place eventually. In a couple of weeks the woman told me that her husband had decided to move toward a new physical change goal for himself, without any prompting from her.

I asked Kirkland-based couples therapist Claire Hatch for her thoughts on this topic.

How Couples Can Deal with Conflict by Identifying their Desires

“When I help couples deal with conflict, I teach them to identify their desires, fears and strategies,” said Hatch. “The driving force behind everything we do is our desires. If we could express our desires simply and honestly, life would be beautiful, and our relationships would definitely be beautiful! Trouble is, our desires are often experienced as a personal deficiency, so our desires usually come as a package deal with fears.”

According to Hatch, our fears make it hard to be honest about our desires, and instead lead us to pursue our desires through indirect means, which is a losing strategy.

She says, “If a woman feels like her partner is not supporting her growth, I would want her to check out the possibility that losing strategies are the barrier, and that if they really understood each others’ desires and fears, they might find more support there. If a man is using losing strategies like criticism, control, or requiring his partner to have the same desires as himself, I would start by asking, What is he afraid of? (With compassion, of course!)”

A spouse who sees that his wife is making changes may fear a loss of love, acceptance or approval — he may fear being left behind or being an “old load” in her exciting new life. He may think: if she discards a belief system they’ve both shared, does that mean she no longer sees him as wise or smart?

Who gets permission to change?

Hatch also points out that a husband may fear a loss of cold, hard cash! Or of giving up dreams of his own. “A lot of my male clients agree with Steve Martin’s line in Parenthood: ‘Women have choices; men have responsibilities.’ If the man is required to be the financial rock, then growth on her part might mean a burden on his part.” I can relate to this one. I’m working very hard right now to make my career dreams come true (with my husband’s wonderful support) so that my husband can get his turn! I make sure to check with him about how he’s feeling about being “the rock.”

Losing strategies

Hatch recommends that a woman who’s actively changing her outlook and major life aspects look at her own fears and losing strategies:

• Is she demanding that her partner change in exactly the same way as she is?
• Is she criticizing her partner because she’s not comfortable in her new skin yet?
• Is the terror of starting a business causing her to demand total faith in her plans, when they really need honest feedback along with the support?

People in transition can be zealous and controlling because their own changes make them feel so insecure. In effect, they become the CEO who needs to surround himself with yes-men. Maybe the partner has some good points to make.

Security desires versus growth desires

“When I work on desires with my clients, I show them 2 lists: Security Desires (acceptance, approval, feeling worthy, etc.) and Growth Desires (learning, adventure, using one’s unique gifts, etc.).

We talk about whether they each live more on one side than the other, and whether that has changed over time. Very often a couple runs into choppy waters because one or the other has switched columns. Or one is looking to their career for growth but to the relationship for security. There are many possibilities. This process gives them some psychological distance that helps them be more accepting. They find they’re more able to support each other in pursuing their desires, even if they’re different,” explains Hatch.

Hatch continues, “Like you, I don’t want to see a relationship stand in the way of personal growth. When I’m growing, my husband knows he better get out of my way! Actually, he stands behind me and pushes. But I think there are a lot of stops before you can say for sure you’re at that point. If the situation is handled with compassion, there’s so much opportunity. Each partner can use this as a chance to understand themselves and their partner at an entirely new level.”

For more information on couple issues, read articles at http://www.ClaireHatch.com